


when you've reached the end of your rope (but it wouldn't mean a thing if I told you how I feel)

by MadHare0512



Series: Author's Favorites [29]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV), Chicago Fire, Chicago PD (TV), S.W.A.T. (TV 2017)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Antonio Dawson is a Bad Friend, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Author's Favorite, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode Related, Episode Tag, Episode: s01e10 At Least It's Justice, Gen, How Do I Tag, Hurt Jay Halstead, Hurt/Comfort, I mean I consider hitting a person with an open palm a sort of abuse, M/M, Protective Matthew Casey, The Author Regrets Nothing, but you decide, kind of?, tagging just in case
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-13 21:06:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28784655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadHare0512/pseuds/MadHare0512
Summary: The last straw for Jay was when Antonio, his mentor and the man who'd gotten him into Intelligence, hit him and demanded to know if Jay had killed Lonnie Rodiger. Antonio was the one who reached out for a meet and instead of first offering help, he'd hit Jay instead.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Josh Russo, Jay Halstead & Jim Street & Evan "Buck" Buckley, Jim Street & Evan "Buck" Buckley, Matthew Casey & Jay Halstead, Matthew Casey/Kelly Severide, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Series: Author's Favorites [29]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1529300
Comments: 6
Kudos: 94





	when you've reached the end of your rope (but it wouldn't mean a thing if I told you how I feel)

**Author's Note:**

> Look, I didn't like Hank Voight from the moment I met the man. The fact that he's got his own show is not fun for me. I'm not happy with what happened in the episode and I'm not happy with how it was handled. I'm unapologetic in my opinion and if you're not a fan of this story, that's cool. Feel free to read something else. 
> 
> Thank you for your time.

when you've reached the end of your rope (but it wouldn't mean a thing if I told you how I feel)

By: MadHare

**AU: Street and the Chaos Crew**

_"When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on."  
_ _~Abraham Lincoln_

 _"If I make another move, if I take another step t_ _hen it all would fall apart. There'd be nothing of me left._ _If I'm crying in the wind, if I'm crying in the night, w_ _ill there ever be a way? Will my heart return to white?_ _Can you tell me who you are? Can you tell me where I am?_ _I've forgotten how to see; I've forgotten if I can._ _If I opened up my eyes there'd be no more going back._ _'Cause I'd throw it all away and it all would fade to black."  
_ _~Bad Apple, (Cover by) Ashe and Rockleetist_

The last straw for Jay was when Antonio, his mentor and the man who'd gotten him into Intelligence, hit him and demanded to know if Jay had killed Lonnie Rodiger. Antonio was the one who reached out for a meet and instead of first offering help, he'd hit Jay instead.

Jay had held it together until the end of the case, then gone home and blinked away tears. God, he missed his Ranger unit, everything had been simple and straight forward there. As it where, as he left the precinct, he cautiously requested Voight's arrest file from Seargent Platt. She hesitated for only a moment, then caught sight of the still-forming bruises and nodded. She returned moments later with the file. "I'm sorry about your situation today, Halstead. I heard you got the bad end."

Jay nodded, "Thanks." Then he left with the copies of the file. He got back to his apartment and read over the file quickly. The name Matthew Casey rang a bell, so he did a quick Google search informed him that Matthew Casey's father had been killed by his mother and the whole news article, but that wasn't what Jay cared about. He cared about the article that said Matt Casey had made the testimony that landed Justin Voight in jail.

Jay needed the Lieutenant's number, he _had_ to talk to Matthew Casey.

_Chicago One~Chicago One~Chicago One_

Jay walked up to the firehouse just as the second shift was ending and the third shift was taking over. He glanced over the faces of the firefighters coming out but didn't see Lieutenant Casey among them. He waited for another five minutes before Lieutenant Casey came out with another man, brown hair with silver streaks, and then tentatively got out of the car and walked towards the pair. "Matt Casey?"

"That's me. Can I help you?" Matt Casey asked, quirking an eyebrow.

"Do you have a few minutes? I wanted to ask you a few questions." Jay asked.

"Uh, sure. Kelly?" Matt glanced at the man next to him and the man nodded. As they called their goodbyes Kelly raced off in his car, leaving Matt with Jay. When Kelly was gone, Matt turned to Jay and tilted his head, "What is this about?"

"Seargent Hank Voight."

The way Matt's eyes narrowed, voice getting tight as he hissed, "What about him?", Jay had to guess that the file he'd been given was far more accurate than anyone wanted to admit.

"So the file's true? He was a dirty cop. He paid someone to kill you?" Jay asked.

"Yeah. He came after me, he came after my ex-fiance, and he threatened both of us. He's not my favorite person. I'm not pleased with him being out of jail," Matt replied, voice frustrated.

"Not my favorite person either. I wanted to know more about him. His jacket's been bothering me since I transferred into Intelligence."

Matt was silent for a moment, then nodded, "Follow me to Molly's. We can talk about it there."

Jay rushed to his car and followed Matt's pick-up truck to the bar the 51st Firehouse frequented. They ordered a beer each and talked about the case with Lonnie Rodiger and what Matt had been through.

Jay got angrier and angrier the more Matt spoke about what Voight had done, how _Antonio_ had helped him, and Matt didn't seem to be doing much better as Jay told him how Voight had stripped him of his badge for nothing more than circumstantial evidence and how Antonio had attacked him when they'd met. When they parted for the night, having exchanged numbers so Jay could give Matt updates on things that happened, Matt had Jay promise to tell him if Antonio did anything else. Matt had turned in one cop for bribery, harassment, and conspiracy to commit murder. Matt didn't have any issues turning in another cop for harassment, assault and battery, and creating a hostile work environment.

Jay went home that night feeling a million times lighter. When he went to work the next morning, he was the first one in. He was working on some paperwork at his desk when Antonio came in and expressed his apology again.

Jay felt anger surge in his entire being. "You know what gets me, Antonio?"

"What's that?" the Hispanic man asked.

"You know I would never do something like that. Willing to look the other way for Voight's kid but not to defend me when all the evidence was circumstantial?" Jay asked furiously.

"Jay, that's different," Antonio tried to say.

Jay cut him off, "I talked to Matt Casey, he told me the whole story. How Voight harassed him and his ex-fiance for _months_ leading up to the trial, then several more months before you managed to find someone willing to wear a wire. How you were so pissed when you managed to bag him. Now you're willing to lose evidence for his kid? Who was the whole reason he went to jail in the first place? Voight's willing to put a hit out on someone but you'll cover for him?"

Antonio went white. "You talked to Matt?"

"I did. He told me _everything_. If I had known about all that beforehand, I never would've joined the unit." Jay sighed, eyes closing. "Look, you want to keep on like this, covering for people and doing shady shit, that's fine, but you and me? We're done, Tony. I needed you and you didn't believe me. You weren't willing to listen and you hit me instead of helping. I'll trust you to get the job done and watch my back at work, but that's it."

Jay didn't wait to see Antonio's response, taking his finished report and heading downstairs to Platt.

_Chicago One~Chicago One~Chicago One_

A few years later, things had gone down the drain even further as Voight continued to treat Jay differently from the rest and no one did anything about it besides Erin.

A case had gone terribly and everyone was on edge. Jay had taken several bad hits from an early fight and ended up spending some time in the hospital with cracked ribs. He'd been true to his word and only trusted Antonio and the others to watch his back on the job. He remained friendly with Erin, who'd been helpful even when she was unsure, and apologized immediately when Jay had been reinstated, and of course, with the other people of the team. Antonio and Voight, he was civil with and he was okay with Alvin and Adam, but otherwise, he didn't trust them.

When Voight was putting him through Hell on the case and Antonio wasn't telling him to back off, Jay got frustrated and slipped away to be by himself for a while. He sent Matt Casey a text with a sigh as he calmed his racing heart. _'I'm not sure how I'm going to get through today. Cracked ribs are going to turn into more._ _'_

It wasn't but a few minutes later he got a text in response. _"Sounds awful. Panicking?'_

_'Yes.'_

Matt called him within moments, letting the man calm down while they talked. After a few minutes, Matt said, "Listen, I have a few friends that I think could help you out. One of them has been in your situation before, he can help you through it. The other has been in a similar situation. I think they can really help you. Give them a call."

"Thanks, Matt, I will." Jay hung up the phone and stood, going to rejoin the team. He still felt pretty terrible, but at least he could keep it at bay for a little longer. When he got to read the text messages, the case had been let go for the night and Jay was on his way back to his apartment. He found that he'd been added to a group chat labeled _Chaos Crew_ and that messages had been sent to his personal phone with two numbers.

The first message introduced the sender as a S.W.A.T. officer working in L.A., his name was Jim Street and he knew a thing or two about being abused by people you were supposed to trust. The second sender's name was Evan Buckley, but he preferred Buck; he was also in L.A. working as a firefighter and he knew a lot about workplace abuse and was happy to help Jay out.

 _'I'm available as often as we can be,'_ the messages finished and Jay felt a tired grin stretch across his face. He sent out a message of his own, ' _I'm Jay Halstead, a detective with the Intelligence Unit in the Chicago PD. Matt wanted me to talk to you. What do you know about terrible workplace environments?'_

Jay went to take a shower and when he got out, he had answers from Street and Buck. Street's reply was expected, _'My squad has only ever been kind to me, but I can relate to terrible situations.'_ Buck's answer was more detailed, _'My entire firehouse turned against me after I filed a wrongful termination lawsuit when my Captain wouldn't let me come back after I got crushed under a firetruck.'_

Jay felt the surprise and sympathy deep in his soul, _'I wouldn't mind hearing more about the firetruck crushing you.'_

The answer came quickly, ' _So, this kid got angry at my Captain for putting his Dad in jail and starting putting bombs in the mail for the people who helped put his Dad away. When the package bomb came for Bobby, it was put on the firetruck and exploded, sending a few people to the hospital, myself included. My ankle got pinned under the truck and crushed so I was out of work for a while so I could heal. I had, like, three surgeries so try and fix the damage in my leg, they put a rod and several pins in my leg to hold the bone together. When I finally passed my recertification tests, I set new records and everything, and was all set to come back.'_

 _'What happened?'_ Jay asked curiously.

 _'My team was throwing a party and I got some blood clots in my leg, which led to me throwing up blood all over my Captian's back porch. After I got released from the hospital, my Captain told me that the higher brass didn't want me coming back to work on the blood thinners, so after a brief moping period where I had a minor identity crisis and_ _fought through a tsunami, I went back to work on light-duty. I worked there for a few weeks before I found out that they'd replaced me in the firehouse. When I got upset, my Captain tells me that my place is open and essentially brushes off all my concerns. I was approached by a lawyer for a civil lawsuit and assured that I could win my case and I refused because I trusted that my Captain was telling me the truth. When I went over to his house for dinner that night with him and his wife, he told me that_ he _was the one who'd wanted me out of the field. I got upset because everyone else had been treated differently, let back as soon as they said they were ready_ _, but for me? Oh, no. So I filed the lawsuit and the lawyer dragged my teammates through the mud, calling them on their bullshit, and then when I won my suit, I refused the million-dollar settlement they wanted to give me and got my job back. They treated me awfully until I got hospitalized again about a month later and my older sister called them on their bullshit. Even then, my Captain and another coworker still treat me pretty frostily sometimes.'_

 _'That sounds awful, I'm sorry you had to go through_ that,' Jay typed back.

 _'Not entirely, I had Street and Deeks, another friend of ours_ _, to help me through the lonely moments of the case, and later I had my boyfriend, Josh.'_

 _'You wanna tell us about your situation?'_ asked Street.

Jay thought about it, then replied, _'Sure. So a few years ago, I was keeping tabs on this pedophile who'd killed a kid and he turned up dead. They suspended me because they had pictures of me following the guy's car on a busy road and a restraining order, so the evidence was all circumstantial. When I tried to dig myself out of the hole they'd dug me into, I was roadblocked. They wouldn't talk to me and most of them thought I'd done it. The only person who didn't was my partner. When the person who pulled me into the unit asked to meet me, I went, thinking that he was going to help me. Instead, when he got there, he hit me twice and demanded to know if I'd done it. When I told him no, he pulled the file out from under his shirt and shoved it at me, then told me that he'd deny give it to me. I figured the case out by myself. When they reinstated me, they all acted like nothing had happened, they said they'd never believed I'd done it. It's only gone downhill from there.'_

 _'That sounds worse, Halstead.'_ Street's text came in after a few minutes and the group chat blew up a bit, mostly Street and Matt with Buck's occasional interjections.

Jay smiled, _''Jay works fine, Street.'_

 _"Okay.'_ A few minutes later, _'Matt said you had a panic attack today?'_

 _'Yeah, sort of. a minor one. Today's been pretty_ _bad.'_

 _'That's bull. No one should be in a position to have a panic attack on the job and no team should ever bully someone into a panic attack!'_ Buck snapped after a few minutes.

 _'Honestly, I was just glad they were treating me equally to other team members. When things like this case happen, everyone knows they get tense, but they snap at everyone. I just take it hard sometimes.'_ Jay replied.

 _'Well, anytime you need someone, we can connect you to someone who can help you. You'll always have someone around, okay?'_ Street asked.

Jay's smile was relieved. He hated dealing with his bosses himself, but such was his life right now. He texted back and forth a bit more, reading their reassurances was comforting to him in a way things hadn't been for a while. He figured he'd better get some sleep at some point, knowing it would be better to nap a bit now rather than fall asleep at his desk and get yelled at. _'_ _I'm gonna go to bed. Thanks for your help!'_

 _'Anytime, Jay. Good night!_ _'_ both replies said.

Jay plugged in his phone and went to bed feeling lighter than he had in ages.

_One Chicago~One Chicago~One Chicago_

Matt glanced down at his phone when it _dinged_ softly. He was happy to see Street tell him that Jay seemed better. He thought back to the night he'd told Antonio about what he knew about Jay. Matt had felt a connection to him just like he did to Street, Buck, and the rest of the Chaos Crew. Antonio had been pale, unwilling to lie to him, and Matt had been appeased by the uneasiness in the older man's eyes.

He leaned further against Severide and turned his attention to the heartbeat in the older Lieutenant's check, letting it soothe his remaining worries as the movie continued to play.

Kelly pulled him closer, "Everything okay?"

Matt smiled, "Everything's great."

"How's Jay doing?" the dark-haired man asked softly.

Matt hummed, letting Kelly pull him into a kiss, then replied, "All good, Kel."

Kelly mumbled sleepily and Matt laughed softly. He focussed back on his partner's heartbeat, shifting from where he lay between Kelly's legs on the couch. He sighed contentedly and closed his eyes. With Jay's issue resolved for now and his support system boosted, Matt felt a hundred times better. As sleep began to claim him Matt's last thought was that he was happy Jay had reached out to him. The next time Jay reached the end of his rope, he'd have a better support system to help him hold on.

With that thought in mind, Matt let sleep claim him.


End file.
